My First School Speech

My academic career left a lot to be desired.  Not only was I a poor student but I was a troublesome one too.  My graduation yearbook lists my achievement as spending the most time in the jug (after school detention) than anyone in the history of the University of Detroit High School; a dubious distinction indeed.

I hated school and often played the role of class clown or village idiot, depending on whether you caught on to my brand of humor or not.

Around that time Gary Moore had a radio show that I thought was hilarious.  One of his  stars was Carol Burnett who certainly went on to fame and fortune in her own right.

Quite often, Gary would do a strange little monologue that would absolutely crack me up.  I had the ability to recall an entire five-minute routine at will and so when the class elocution competition was suddenly announced in our classroom, I responded by volunteering to do my part and it turned into a pretty decent rendition of that Gary Moore monologue I had heard a few nights earlier.

It sounds a bit  sadistic to me today but I still remember some of the routine.

It began with the singing of a bit of the song that went…

 “For it was Mary, Mary, long before the ages came….

Ah, Mary and me were so happy together.  She with her long hair and bobby socks and me with my crew cut and nylon garters.

We were walking together past the sight where a new building was being constructed.  High above us a crane was putting this huge steel beam into place but somehow it slipped. I saw it falling and I cried out, “Look out, it’s falling Mary, it’s falling.”  (Long scream.) And I looked down sadly at the mess on the ground.  I shrugged, I turned and walked away as I sang, “For it was Mary, Mary long before the ages came.”

My classmates responded with huge gales of laughter and then applause and I was quickly named the winner of the class 4-F elocution competition. I was the only competitor.

When the powers-to-be discovered that class 4-F desired to be represented in the finals by yours truly they quickly ruled that my material was definitely unsuitable for such a prestigious event and I was not even given the opportunity to select other material they might consider less offensive.  Class 4-F simply would not be represented in the finals.  This in no way endeared me to the tough Jesuit fathers still, it made little difference to us students because our class was not represented in much else at that school, except perhaps high attendance in the after school detention classroom. We were considered the class of the misfits, the sweat hogs, the incorrigibles.

My grades were so low that I was not sure that I would graduate until the night before the graduation ceremony.  That was the end of my formal education.

When our class held its 40th reunion I finally attended my first class reunion and I was selected as the featured speaker.  When we met again for our 45th reunion I was once again selected as the featured speaker and at our 50th reunion they chose me again to speaker at the banquet.

Just before I was to get up and deliver my speech the MC announced that they had a few awards to deliver first, before I was introduced.  They passed out a few class awards for traveling the furthest or perfect attendance at reunions and such and then they announced a very special award,   It was a special Certificate of Achievement Award. 

I was so busy running through my opening lines in my mind that I somehow unintentionally mentally missed the award ceremony and when they called out my name, I smiled, accepted the award and thanked everybody.  I was then further introduced and gave my talk. I had no idea what the award was for, I just figured it was the same as the others presented that day, just something to kill a bit of time and be social.   

When you are a professional speaker it is not unusual for someone to get up and give the speaker an award of some kind, especially a politician at election time. 

At some Universities Ph.D’s are handed out like candy to commencement speakers.   Once I was made an honorary Arkansas Traveler and given a special certificate signed by Bill Clinton.  I’m not sure who handed me the award but he looked very much like a young Bill Clinton who was running for reelection for Governor of Arkansas. At that time and I didn’t know him from Adam. Of course, Bill Clinton went on to become the husband of the famous Hillary Clinton.

I had been presented many dozens of such awards in the past and this new one I had in my hand at the 50th Anniversary was stored with many others.  It was a few years later that I actually sat down and read the award and realized that it was one of a kind,  honoring me in a very special way.

It read, “In recognition of sharing sharing his spirituality and wisdom with the public and students to improve lives.”and it showed “Spirit of Gilbert Stein, S. J., Principal and Spirit of John L. Sullivan, S.J., Assistant Principal” and then it showed the names of five other five other Jesuits and the chairman and co-chairman of the event.

I was certain that both the spirits of Fathers Sullivan and Stein would have turned over in their graves if they learned of the event, still I  was moved to tears in the reading.

That Gary Moore comedy routine was my first and last speech in high school and I didn’t give another speech  until thirteen years later. 

I guess back then I didn’t have much to say.